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What is the cause of fights and quarrels among us?

Jan Schmidt

Heather: Wow! That was some choir song, eh?

Jeremy: Yeah, that was some choir song all right!

Heather: I haven’t heard such music for a long time.

Jeremy: Me either! What emotional drivel, eh?

Heather: Emotional drivel? That’s the best music we’ve had for months.

Jeremy: What? The words were shallow clichés, the theology was flimsy, and the melody could have been composed by a five-year-old.

Heather: How can you say that? The music worked perfectly with the text. I was deeply moved. God really touched me this morning.

Jeremy: Well, I was totally turned off! In fact, it wrecked the whole service for me!

Heather: I can’t believe it. What kind of an attitude is that? You certainly are narrow-minded!

Jeremy: Narrow-minded? I am not narrow-minded! Last week’s music was extremely meaningful for me. Now that was music for the soul.

Heather: You’ve got to be joking! I came out of that service just steaming! How could that possibly be worshipful for anyone?

Jeremy: It was worshipful for me!

Heather: What kind of a Christian are you? Can’t you even tell the difference between music that glorifies God and music that is purely entertainment?

Jeremy: Obviously I have a better sense of that than you do!

Heather: I don’t need to take that from you! You don’t even know what you’re talking about.


None of us enjoy these kinds of disputes and quarrels, and yet they exist. Church conflicts seem no different from the conflicts in the rest of the world, but there are some differences. Some of us working in the conflict resolution field have often reflected that, next to conflicts in academic institutions, church conflicts are the most difficult to resolve. If I get called into a church conflict, I know that I’m in for the long haul – there is probably lots of blood already spilled. I also know that the people are probably not willing to spend the focused energy required to resolve the longstanding issues and would rather have the hurt and pain slowly eat at them over the years to come. It is also interesting to note that the more evangelical the church community, the more likely this prediction will be true.

Maybe if we could understand church conflict to be fundamentally different from conflict in the rest of the world, it would make sense why we find conflict so difficult. For the most part, what we fight about in church and how we fight looks very similar to what happens in the rest of the world. However, as Brian McLaren in A New Kind of Christian observed, “Church people tend to use more religious language to define their problems” and “their problems are further complicated by guilt for having these problems in the first place”. I would add that church people also tend to recruit God on their side, thereby ensuring that in their minds they are right and others are wrong.

Thus, the way many of us Christians currently practise our beliefs is detrimental to dealing with differences – and tends to ensure that things are going to get worse. Given our deadly track record – how many church splits have occurred in history? – our best option appears to be to stop trying to resolve conflict and just pretend that everything is okay, to pretend that the differences are not that important or don’t even exist. But because we are hurt, and we want to protect ourselves from further hurt, the obvious consequence of that approach is that the relationship changes. No one learns or grows from the experience, and the relationship becomes distant and cautious – which, of course, reinforces the idea that conflict must be avoided at all cost.

Church members are predominately good people, who seek to do good, follow Christ and not cause others pain. So why do these things happen?

Let’s take another look at what just happened in our story. First, Jeremy assumed that Heather would have the same taste in music as he had, but Heather loved the music. Jeremy was surprised and maybe even slightly embarrassed. Instead of stopping there, he continued to try to support his point of view, and Heather continued to defend her experience. The stage was now set for them to shift from attacking the point of view to attacking the person. Attacking the person often feels good at the moment, but is perfectly destructive.

We don’t always verbalize the whole conflict as Jeremy and Heather did. Most of us have enough control, at least at church, to stop ourselves before we go that far. We call it maturity, and yet the conversation continues in our minds in the same direction – negatively judging the other person.

Let’s see how this problem between Heather and Jeremy continues to unfold.

Jeremy: She’s so stubborn! She even told me I was narrow-minded. Can you believe it!?

Agnes: So there are actually two things: the initial disagreement about the music and then some of the things she said.

Jeremy: Yeah, I guess so.

Agnes: So what do you want to see happen?

Jeremy: I’d like to work it out, but I’m not sure how. We are both too involved in church to avoid each other – and anyway, avoiding never works.

Agnes: What do you think will work?

Jeremy: Well, I thought I would ask her out for coffee and then explain to her how I see music.

Agnes: You talked earlier about saying some things you regret. Where do you think that should fit in?

Jeremy: I guess I should start by apologizing for referring to her music as emotional drivel.

Agnes: I think she would appreciate that. Another question: How do you feel when other people start with their perspective and opinion?

Jeremy: Good point. I guess I should start by asking questions and making sure I understand her before I share what is important to me.

Agnes: That sounds like a good idea.

Agnes provided some hope in what was a pretty dark state of affairs. If Jeremy had not found Agnes, who knows how many other people Jeremy and Heather would have talked to along the way? I can imagine the other kinds of advice they would be getting:

“That’s just the way Jeremy is!”

“You should have known Heather was from the old school!”

“It is better to keep your mouth shut. Don’t worry. This will blow over, and you will feel better in a few days.”

James asks, “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God” (James 4:1-2). Let’s see if we can understand what this passage means and how it relates to our story. What were the “desires” and “wants”, and what was being “coveted”? What is it that Jeremy and Heather were actually fighting about anyway? What is it that they needed to ask God for? And what would be the right way to ask God for what they needed?

Here is a possibility. Jeremy and Heather both need to have worship bring them into an encounter with God. This does not always happen for them. When it doesn’t happen, they are disappointed. When it does happen, they are elated. And they can easily assume, like us, that all or at least most enlightened Christians will experience worship the way that they do. The problem is that in focusing on what they need, they have lost sight of the diverse needs of the community. Maybe it is because they don’t spend enough time with people who think differently than they do. So when Jeremy and Heather pray, they ask God for what they want, not for what is good for the whole. Their request is not in any way mean or devious.

Yet, the problem is that if God gives them what one of them wants (a church experience that meets their needs), then other people’s needs will not be met. Their approach is understandable because we should try to have our needs met, but getting my way all the time is ultimately at someone else’s expense.

The problem is that most of this is happening at levels of consciousness of which we are generally not aware. One of the wonderful things about my work as a mediator is that I get to talk to both sides. I have yet to have someone say to me, “I have desires that battle within me” or “I covet that person’s job or friends.” What I see is that all the people that I work with are generally hurt and confused and often completely unaware of their contribution to the conflict that has brought them to me.

What this text is saying is that at the unconscious level our desires are often selfish and exclude others, and as long as we are unaware of those motives, we will be driven by them. But when we do try to verbalize our motives, we use God talk to explain why we are right and others are wrong. For most of us, motives are mixed. What we tend to focus on and be conscious of is our pure motives – and no one can argue with those. But this blocks our willingness to look deeper to see what other motives could be behind our actions.

Now some people hate conflict – so much that if they do think of the other person, they will deprive themselves completely of having their legitimate needs met. They will frame this as being Christlike, but there will be a voice saying inside of them, “Why should I always give in?” What is even more frustrating is when they give in and others don’t even recognize the sacrifice they have made. What often happens is that these people eventually become so disenfranchised that there is no reason for them to remain in the community. They may continue warming a pew – after all, it takes a lot of energy to move on – but for all intents and purposes, they are not part of the community.

It is often our fear of broken relationships that keeps us from talking about our differences. What I have observed in my work is that it is not the difference in tastes, understandings and perspectives that is so hurtful and results in broken relationships. Rather, it is the hurtful things we say and do when we do have a discussion about these differences that keeps us awake at night and results in our stomach dropping or our throat tightening every time we see each other. The negative consequences are the direct result of the way we respond to differences, not the result of the differences themselves.

What Agnes was able to do for Jeremy was to help him out of the confusion of conflict and begin to isolate the different pieces that needed to be addressed. In Central America, one of the words for conflict is translated “a tangled net”. In order to untangle a net, we need to pull at the appropriate strands. Agnes was able to help Jeremy see that there were two things that needed to be separated. The first was the disagreement about music, and the second was what he thought and said to Heather.

So what is the way forward? The church is a community of people who have diverse needs. Some of these needs can be met completely. At other times, we need to negotiate the meeting of our needs and preferences. We need to see and value the different parts and the ultimate strength of the whole. We need to be clear about what we need and yet listen intently to others’ needs. We need to trust each other enough to share what our needs are and allow each other to meet our needs. If I hide my needs from you, I also am contributing to the weakening of the community.

It really doesn’t have to be as hard as we have imagined it to be. Let’s see what happens when Jeremy follows through on his discussion with Agnes.

Jeremy: Hi, Heather. I’m glad you could come.

Heather: I wasn’t sure I wanted to.

Jeremy: I feel really bad about the other day and the things I said. I apologize. My language was inappropriate, and I realized I hadn’t heard you out at all. I’d like to understand why you feel so strongly about the music you love.

Heather: You would?

Jeremy: Yeah.

Heather: Well, you see, that’s the kind of music I grew up with. It was the music of my first church experience, and there are so many rich memories attached to it. When I heard that piece last Sunday, I just felt overwhelmed by the presence of God.

Jeremy: Really? So when you hear that kind of music, you feel closest to God?

Heather: Yes. It means a lot to me. That’s when I worship best.

Jeremy: That’s helpful to know. Can I share my experience with you?

Heather: Okay.

Jeremy: I grew up being exposed to many kinds of music and experimenting with all kinds of styles. In a way, the more complex and rhythmic the music is, the more I am awed by the creativity God has given us. For me, that’s what leads to worship.

Heather: You can worship with all those rhythms happening at once? I didn’t even know that was possible. I guess I owe you an apology too. You obviously aren’t narrow-minded.

Jeremy: You realize this still leaves us with a musical challenge doesn’t it?

Heather: You’re right. But just by hearing each other, it already feels like we’ve made significant progress.

Jan Schmidt provides training and intervention services in the area of conflict. This article is adapted from a sermon preached Jan. 20, 2002 in River East MB Church in Winnipeg.

The skit sections of this article were created by Connie Epp.

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Last modified June 13, 2002.

© 2002 Mennonite Brethren Herald.
Published by the Canadian Conference of MB Churches.
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