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Breaking the silence

Robert J. Dueck

I couldn’t find a way to swallow my soup any quieter. Never before had I felt so uncomfortable with eating. I felt I was distracting those around me with gushing liquid sounds every time I swallowed. I didn’t know how to muffle my swallowing, and choosing to be absent from the table was not an option.

I was in my 20s. The other man allowed to eat at this table was the gardener. I never saw him other than at meal times. The hospital grounds were kept immaculate, and recognition for this talented man was a designated place at the dinner table with the sisters. We sat one on each side.

Never did the ladle touch the sides of the tureen or make a noise against a soup bowl as the Reverend Mother dished soup out for each one of us from the head of the table. After the blessing, we ate in silence. I never questioned the purpose for this silence and assumed it was there to fulfill some spiritual purpose. Meditating was the last thing on my mind. Breaking the silence was definitely first. My spoon dare not strike the soup bowl to cause yet another unacceptable sound.

On the other side of the wall was another dining room where the remainder of the staff ate – the community of primarily Yugoslavian staff that I worked with and wanted to socialize with. Between my swallows, I could hear their spontaneous laughter, and I wished I were part of it. It was not to be. My fingers were needed on the pump organ in the formal dining room for hymn singing after each evening meal.

That year of study and work in Switzerland has become archived in my memory and is a stimulus for reflection. You see, for many years, I chose silence to hide the dark areas in my life. Swallowing became more and more difficult. There always seemed to be yet another secret that had to go down as quickly and quietly as possible. Eventually, the silence did break, and I thought there could be nothing more painful to live through. Finally I became obedient to God and allowed Him to start some serious healing work in me.

My church is a fellowship of believers who demonstrate acceptance and unconditional love to all God’s people. We accept and support one another regardless of our individual pasts, for we have all sinned and fallen short of God’s glory (Romans 3:23). I appreciate being able to walk into my church and know that we are all coming to “the hospital” for a healing touch from the Great Physician, that we are all in need of God’s grace and mercy. I am blessed to be part of this church family.

A small group of friends have also been a significant part of my life. They give me an encouraging word, the knowledge that I am being prayed for and the constant challenge to search after the Father heart of God. I am thankful for this fellowship with other believers. I do not want to return to a life of swallowing dark, sinful secrets. I choose to live a life of liberty, knowing that God’s Son has set me free.

Robert J. Dueck attends The Meeting Place in Winnipeg, Man.

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Last modified August 22, 2001.

© 2001 Mennonite Brethren Herald.
Published by the Canadian Conference of MB Churches.
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