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Goals and desires

Beatrice Klassen

Have you ever felt like a failure? I don’t mean: Have you ever failed at something? We all fail at things from time to time; that doesn’t make us failures. But if we fail at something often enough, we may begin to transfer the failure of the specific situation to ourselves as individuals. When that happens, our self-esteem plummets, and we feel that we are failures. After a while, depression sets in – sometimes short-lived, sometimes chronic. Feelings of failure, when carried to an extreme degree, have even resulted in suicide.

One of the frequent causes of failure is not understanding goal setting. We hear about the importance of setting goals, but little is said about how to set proper goals. This is critical because setting unrealistic or improper goals is to set yourself up for failure with all its consequences. Some things in life make great desires but very poor goals. Do you know the difference?

A desire is something that you would like to have happen, but it is not up to you alone to accomplish it. It will involve at least one other person to bring it about. A goal is something you would like to have happen that you can accomplish on our own. (God is always part of the equation, but no other human being needs to be involved in the fulfillment of the goal.)

Suppose you have set a goal of having your child grow up to be a responsible adult and walk in obedience to the Lord. You do everything possible to make it happen, but, for some reason, your child does not decide to go the way you wanted. Not only does he reject the way of the Lord, but he walks the path of rebellion. Because you have made his following the Lord your goal, you could easily feel that you have failed. On the other hand, realizing that this goal was not yours to accomplish will make a difference in how you view the situation. Understanding that you could do only your part and the rest was up to your child will relieve you of the pressure of feeling you have to accomplish something that was never yours to do. A better goal would have been to be the best parent you can be and to pray diligently for your child. That is well within your ability to accomplish. Wanting your children to have a good life is natural – and a great desire – but it cannot be your goal.

Or suppose you have made it a goal to win one person to the Lord every year, or to have a wonderful marriage. Both are good things, but they are not yours alone to achieve. If you set an achievable goal, such as being the best witness you can, or being the best wife or husband that you can, you will not be setting yourself up for repeated failure.

Understanding the difference between goals and desires not only helps keep the feelings of failure from getting out of hand and leading to depression; it also helps us to be more relaxed, less driven to make things happen the way we want them to. Learning to step back can help us to examine our expectations more realistically and surrender them into God’s very capable hands.

Beatrice Klassen is a counsellor in Niagara Falls, Ont.

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Last modified March 28, 2001.

© 2001 Mennonite Brethren Herald.
Published by the Canadian Conference of MB Churches.
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