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Church conflicts

Jim Coggins

During the aftermath of our business meeting at the church a few months ago, I could only sit in my seat stunned and shocked by what I was hearing and seeing. People I had grown to love and respect were suddenly shouting at each other, were tossing accusations around at one another and were showing not even the remotest consideration for anyone’s feelings or for the surroundings they were in. I still cannot believe what I witnessed that night.

I had not thought much of Christians prior to coming to this church a few years ago. But Ken and Connie changed all that by showing me what it meant to be a Christian, what the death of our Lord Jesus Christ actually meant to me personally. They showed me a church where the members loved one another, and where the method of solving problems was through prayer, not through argument.

The night of that business meeting, Connie came over to me with tears in her eyes and asked, “Do you still think this is the church you were looking for?” I was hurting so badly I could not answer her. It still hurts, and what I have seen taking place in the church since that night is shaking my faith even more.

So many have left the church rather than make an effort to resolve the problems. Many would rather stay home or change churches than face those they have offended or those who have offended them. Frankly, I cannot believe that Christians can do the things to their church that have been done to this one. –Excerpt from a letter written about an actual church conflict.


When I talk to Conference and church leaders, and even church members, there is perhaps no topic that causes more anguish and concern than the far-too-frequent examples of church conflict.

Jesus Christ calls us to a life of love, forgiveness and service, a life that is to be lived together in the community called the church. Then why is it that even in the New Testament there is evidence that the church has often been wracked by quarrelling, anger, feuds and political power plays?

The first thing we should remember is that the church often is a community of love, forgiveness and service. Conflicts stand out because they are the exception, not the rule. Moreover, where there have been conflicts in church, I have seen examples of repentance, confession, forgiveness and genuine reconciliation. I cannot recall examples of similar reconciliation after conflicts in political parties, businesses or labour unions. Usually such conflicts in the world are never resolved until the parties involved die – and often these conflicts are passed on to future generations.

The second thing to remember is that there is a difference between disagreements and conflicts (although some articles in this and the next issue of the Herald use different definitions of these terms than I do). Disagreements are not evil. We all have different experiences, different personalities, different knowledge and different skills. Therefore, when issues arise in church, it is not surprising that we don’t always agree. At such times, it is not wrong but is in fact helpful to be honest about those disagreements. Such disagreements should be handled by an honest admission of the disagreement, free discussion and even vigorous debate. Disagreements, however, should not be allowed to degenerate into harmful conflicts – into anger, bitterness and broken relationships.

Reasons for conflict

The potential for conflict in the church is great for several reasons. The first is that church matters. Our faith is the foundation for our lives, and we are deeply committed to the things we believe. We are willing to “fight” for what is important to us. When our faith is at stake, it involves our minds, hearts and wills; we cannot treat these issues dispassionately.

Second, church is a family, not just a business. We must work together closely as a community. Personal interrelationships are mixed up with financial and administrative problems, with questions of theology and with feelings of personal identity and self-worth. Civil wars are always more traumatic than wars against external enemies. Because we are most deeply committed at the family level, family disputes often create the deepest emotional and psychological wounds. So it is in the church.

The most obvious cause of church conflict is sin. Dishonesty, oppression, injustice and many other sins create conflict or worsen conflict that already exists. We are all still sinners, and many church members are immature in the faith. On the other hand, we should beware of offering overly simplistic solutions (such as blaming the whole conflict on the sinfulness of our opponents). Sin has many heads, and in a church conflict most participants are often guilty of more than one sin.

What we fight about

One of the reasons church conflict is so difficult to avoid and manage is that church is very complex, and therefore so are the causes of conflict. Usually, there are many factors involved in any church conflict. When we focus on only one of these causes (usually the one that is the other person’s fault), we fail to reach agreement because we are not all trying to solve the same problem. In fact, we may feel that the other person keeps “changing the subject” and “avoiding the real issue”. The other person may feel the same about us.

Issues. There are many things we can argue over here: church vision, church organization, Bible interpretation, finances, building projects. As church communities, we need to reach agreement on these issues because we work together. Power. Power questions are often connected to issues. We want power so we can get the issues decided our way, so we can implement the vision we believe God has given us. Church leaders need power to do the things we have called them to do. However, power is given, not taken. It is related to trust, and usually needs to be earned. Unfortunately, there are also cases where power is never given even when it is earned. Struggles for power should not occur in the church, yet they have existed ever since James and John asked Jesus who could be first in the Kingdom (Matthew 20:20-28). Pastors. Many conflicts arise because pastors are leaders, they are members of the community but they are also employees of the people they are called to lead and to love as brothers and sisters. Many businesses refuse to hire relatives for this reason – it places people in sometimes conflicting roles. What happens when a congregation discerns that the church needs a pastor with different gifts, yet they still love the current pastor as a brother? Troublemakers. Sometimes called “dissidents”, “complainers” and “permission-withholders”, these individuals exist in many churches. Due to personality quirks, pain in their own lives, fears, insecurities or unresolved anger, these individuals seem to delight in opposing and wrecking things. There have been cases where one person has almost singlehandedly caused a church split. A difficult issue in this area is the matter of discernment. Nobody is completely evil, and we all have some personality quirks and scars. There are times when most of us have been divisive or wrong. However, not all those who disagree are troublemakers, and pastors and other church leaders should think carefully before labelling anyone a troublemaker. Factions. Congregations are often made up of groups, which may work well together. However, sometimes a congregation (or denomination) is divided so sharply that two groups argue about any issue that arises, almost out of habit. The division may pit age groups against each other (old versus young). Sometimes congregations divide according to socio-economic class (1 Corinthians 11:17-22, James 2:1-7). Sometimes a congregation is made up of groups with different religious traditions (1 Corinthians 3:1-9). Sometimes a congregation is divided by race or culture (Acts 6:1). Sometimes a church is dominated by a clan, a single extended family opposed by everyone else; or by two extended families which carry on a feud. Sometimes a care group or Sunday school class can break away from the rest of the congregation, as can the attenders of one of the Sunday services if there is more than one – first-service people versus second-service people (Mark 9:38-41). Tradition. Some congregations have a unique culture, a pattern of doing things that is passed on from generation to generation. Some churches have a tradition of developing young pastors. Some have a tradition of hospitality or of love. Some have had a succession of long-term pastors. Some churches change pastors every four years, or every two years. Some have a tradition of destroying pastors or destroying lay leaders. Some have a tradition of arguing and dividing. Once patterns of actions are well established, congregations tend to repeat them. Personality clashes. Sometimes people with radically different personalities end up in the same congregation and constantly find themselves grating on each other’s nerves. Sometimes people even with similar personalities disagree on an issue; disagreement leads to anger, anger leads to words or actions, and the words and actions lead to personal hurt. This creates a second problem which must be solved (the personal hurt) in addition to the original problem (the issue which created the disagreement).

Solutions

As there are different causes of conflict, many solutions are needed. Here are some suggestions, gleaned from personal experience, from conversations with church leaders and members, and from years of observation of church life.

Seek to grow in grace. Devote yourself to prayer, Bible study, worship and exercising your faith. The more mature we are as Christians, the less likely we are to fight. When the apostle Paul lists “the acts of the sinful nature”, sins such as witchcraft, drunkenness and sexual immorality are overshadowed by sins found often in church: “hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy” (Galatians 5:19-21). On the other hand, the fruit of the Spirit is “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control” (Galatians 5:22-23). Fruit takes time to develop, but there are likely to be few conflicts in a church full of people who are loving, patient, kind and gentle. If you have offended or sinned against someone, go, confess and ask forgiveness quickly (Matthew 5:23-26) If someone has offended you or sinned against you, go, talk to him or her and seek reconciliation (Matthew 18:15). Sometimes the other person is not even aware that he or she has offended. Be willing to forgive (Ephesians 4:32, Matthew 6:14-15). This is not easy. Forgiveness means accepting that you have been harmed and that you will never be repaid. Moreover, be willing to go beyond forgiveness to reconciliation, to think again of the other person as a brother. Also be willing to forgive even when the other person does not ask for forgiveness and reconciliation is not possible. A conference minister once told me that years earlier he had been offended by someone in the church, and the person had refused to deal with the issue. He found himself avoiding this brother, crossing to the other side of the street so he wouldn’t have to meet him. He decided this was wrong. The next time he saw the man, he deliberately walked up to him, shook his hand and genuinely asked him how he was doing. The other man never apologized, and full reconciliation never took place. Yet after that my friend was free of his bitterness. He could see the offender without feeling pain. Be willing to be forgiven. Sometimes we have the most difficulty forgiving ourselves. If the other person has forgiven us and Christ has forgiven us, we should be willing to forgive ourselves. Take your problem to the individual or board concerned (Matthew 18:15). Do not tell other people. This will only spread the problem. Seek mediators, helpers if the direct approach does not solve the problem (Matthew 18:16-17, 1 Corinthians 6:1-4). Be willing to seek help early enough. A major frustration of conference ministers is that they are not asked to come in and help until all other possibilities are exhausted and the church is really in trouble – and then the conference minister is criticized if he is not able to solve the problem quickly. Be tolerant of minor irritants. The way the pastor mispronounces “foyer” and the moderator’s atrocious taste in ties are not issues worth fighting about in church. Pray for unity, peace and love in the church. Jesus did (John 17:20-23). Speak the truth. We must be honest with each other. Hidden problems cannot be solved. It is sometimes an act of submission to tell a leader about a problem. Giving the other person the silent treatment does not build a loving relationship – in marriage or in the church. Speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). Sometimes the harsh way we present our case will discredit our position. Be humble. After all, you could be wrong. Be ready to listen, evaluate your position and change if necessary. Be more concerned with looking for your own sin than with looking for the sins of others (Matthew 7:1-5). Examine yourself and your motives by at least as rigorous a standard as you use to judge your church leaders. Love your enemies (Matthew 5:43-45). Sometimes those in the church feel like enemies. Jesus told us to love our enemies. Use proper channels. Avoid secret meetings of factions designed to complain about church (2 Corinthians 4:2). Voice your concerns in the full congregation, where you will be accountable and where you may be open to correction from those who disagree with you. Be careful not to let care group meetings, family gatherings or other events degenerate into griping sessions about church. Also, never use anonymous letters. Don’t claim to speak for “a lot of others” if those others have not given you permission to speak for them and use their names. Avoid speaking or acting in anger. Wait until you cool down. Strive to keep issues separate. In particular, keep issues separate from relationships. If you have a personality clash with a church leader, try to resolve that privately with him, and do not let it colour your reaction to his policy proposals. Also, do not let your frustration with one policy proposal predispose you to oppose another policy proposal from the same person. Do not make deals. Don’t oppose someone on the budget because he opposed you on worship. Never use money as a weapon. While all of us are responsible before God for how we direct our tithes and offerings, never withhold money from your church because you are angry with it. If you can’t bring yourself to financially support your church’s program to a significant extent, perhaps you should find another church which you can support. Don’t make other kinds of threats either. Don’t be repetitive. If the church has not accepted your position on a given issue, don’t keep riding the same hobby horse. Only make your point again if the issue is raised for discussion at a later time – and then only if the discussion is likely to prove fruitful. Focus on larger issues, not smaller ones. Seek the good of your congregation as a whole, or better yet the Kingdom of God, not your own faction’s agenda. Don’t take the side of a family member who has been disciplined by the church in a fair process. Be willing to accept properly processed decisions. Even if you voted against hiring a pastor or launching a building program, pour your money, work and prayers into supporting the pastor or the building since he/it has been approved by the community of which you are a part. Seek creative solutions. If your congregation can’t agree on a worship style, try offering alternative worship services. Try to see things from the other’s point of view, and understand where he/she is coming from. Be willing to learn from your critics. Those who warn you of dangers are not necessarily enemies (Nehemiah 4:12, Proverbs 27:6). If you are a leader, always use proper processes. If you are a leader, do not stifle discussion or even respectful dissent. Communicate clearly your plans, decisions and proposals, and allow the congregation to freely decide to follow your direction. If you are a leader, take leadership. Don’t allow (clearly discerned) troublemakers to hijack the church agenda. Protect your pastor from unfair criticism. Treat your pastor well and fairly. Discern with your pastor when it is time to leave, and don’t wait until unmet needs explode into anger. If you are a leader, lead in all of the other suggestions given here. If you are a pastor, it is almost never worthwhile to fight to keep your job. The cost to your church and yourself is too high. God can take care of you in other ways, and splitting the church will bring more harm than good. If you are a church member, handle pastoral relations with patience and gentleness. Don’t compromise biblical truth or biblical principles in pursuit of a false peace (Jeremiah 6:14, Jeremiah 8:11). If necessary, be willing to leave quietly. Perhaps you cannot agree with the ministry direction (the church has chosen contemporary music and you want hymns). Perhaps you are convinced that the church is doctrinally in error and the church has not listened to your presentations on the subject. In those cases, you need to be willing to leave and move to a church whose ministry you can support. When you leave, tell the church leaders why, and cause as little disruption to the life of the congregation as you can. Abandoning a church should only be done slowly, reluctantly and prayerfully, but leaving is better than staying and fighting.

Hope

Not all church disagreements or even church conflicts end badly. There are some wonderful examples of conflicts that were handled well. I will mention four, some of which I have personally witnessed, and others of which I have only heard about.

A church needed to replace the badly weathered front doors on its building. A long discussion ensued. Some in the congregation wanted to buy new wooden doors which would match the beautiful architecture of the building and be more secure against break-ins. Others wanted to buy glass doors, which would allow the ushers to see people coming and open the door for them. No agreement could be reached. Finally it was decided to take a vote. Before the vote was taken, one of the leaders was asked to pray. He prayed that the congregation would remember that the doors were not nearly as important as the people who passed through them. The vote was taken, new doors were purchased, and the issue was not discussed again.

In another congregation years ago, communion was taken with everyone drinking from the same cup. Some young professionals, including some medical doctors, wanted to change to individual cups for health reasons. Older members opposed the change in order to preserve the symbolism of the common cup. A vote was taken, and the change was approved by a small margin. At that point, the young professionals stood up and proposed that no change be made because they did not want to split the church. A few weeks later, the older members went to the church leaders and proposed that the change be made because of the attitude displayed by the younger members.

At a business meeting in another congregation some years ago, the members debated whether to buy a computer which the pastor had requested. One member, in particular, opposed the proposal, arguing that it was a waste of church money. (Computers were just starting to be used in offices then.) Others, who had had experience using computers, argued in favour of the purchase. A vote was taken, the purchase was approved, and the member who had opposed the purchase left the meeting. The meeting concluded with a communion service. During sharing time in the next Sunday service, the dissident member reported that several members had approached him during the week and told him that he had missed out on the best part of the meeting – the worship and fellowship involved in the communion observation. He had not changed his mind about the computer, but he realized that the fellowship of the church was far more important than any purchase of equipment.

In still another congregation, the church board disciplined several members for their divisive attitudes and actions. Several apologized to the congregation and remained in the fellowship. However, one man, while he admitted he had done some things improperly, was reluctant to apologize to the congregation. The board told him that he would be excommunicated unless he apologized at the next business meeting. On the day of the meeting, he relented, stood up in the congregation and offered a sincere apology. Was his apology accepted? The moderator ran down the aisle to embrace him.

Jim Coggins is editor of the MB Herald.

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Last modified May 12, 2000.

© 2000 Mennonite Brethren Herald.
Published by the Canadian Conference of MB Churches.
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