Previous | Next 

Grandparents: Secondary but still significant

Victor Stoltzfus

New grandparents often tell me that they underestimated the joy and responsibility of their new relationship. It is not only the wonder of holding a baby that carries their genes that delights them. It is also the new bond to their children who have suddenly become parents.

Sixty-six years ago, my grandparents welcomed me to a home they shared with my parents. I wonder: Did they respond to me like I respond to my grandchildren? I remember my grandmother’s proverbs and Bible verses, especially the oft repeated “Why spend money on that which is not bread?” I remember the time my grandfather made the mistake of turning his back on a billy goat – he was sore for a week. I remember how my grandparents read books to me until their throats were dry during my childhood illnesses. Today, many children have only one parent. How grateful I am to have had two parents and two grandparents on our small truck farm.

Nowadays, three-generation households are rare; we have higher divorce rates, and there are often many miles between grandparents and grandchildren. However, the role of grandparents survives and often thrives in the modern world. Our role is secondary but still significant. We can find ways to be supportive without interfering.

Skjold Photos

What do grandparents do for grandchildren?

Attention. The summer before last, five grandchildren and one or more of their parents were in our home, some for three weeks, others for eight weeks. Our time together was delightful! Grandparents can take a young child from boredom to intense pleasure in minutes. The key is sustained, undivided adult attention. Young children are delighted by a strong push on a 30-foot tire swing, picking cherry tomatoes or visiting a farm and seeing new kittens.

Delight. It is surprising how much delight children find in working with an adult who instructs them and praises them for a job well done. It takes more time, but a small child can drop tulip bulbs into the holes. Grandchildren can turn Grandma’s food grinder and squeeze out applesauce.

At times, the delight comes when we step aside and watch our grandchildren carry out a project such as building a hospital for sick animals. Some adults would look with a jaundiced eye and call the whole effort a mess. For the child, it is a tangible expression of their care for birds, squirrels and any other sick or injured animals.

Experiences of human delight lay the groundwork for relating to the God of the Bible. “The Lord delights in those who fear Him, who put their hope in His unfailing love” (Psalm 147:11). Children need experiences of human delight if they are to ever think of a God who is delighted with them. Parents necessarily teach a lot of “ought”, “must” and “should” to move children toward adulthood.

These necessary disciplines take on a different colour and texture if we believe the awesome God who commands is also the One who delights in us and invites us to delight in Him.

Reassurance. It isn’t easy to grow up. Little ones are often fearful. Grandparents can reassure that the dark is a friendly space, that the loud train will not leave the tracks and run over them, that it is safe to go to children’s time in an unfamiliar church, that they can learn to swim, that all wi11 be well the first day of school, that a scratched knee will heal and that a broken toy need not be a permanent loss because Grandpa has glue.

Competitive children just hate to lose a foot race or a word game. They need reassurance that losing a contest is not a stain for life. With time, they will learn that no one wins every contest – someone out there is faster or smarter or both.

A frequent message to adults in the Bible is “Fear not.” Overcoming fear as a child is a necessary step to coping with adolescent and adult fears later on. Grandparents can help a frightened child shrink threats down to a manageable size.

Faith. Doubts sometimes haunt children. Walking down the street, completely out of the blue, I was asked by a five-year-old grandchild, “Do you believe in God?” I was tempted to say too much. I restrained myself to saying that, yes, I do believe in God – I believe because the Bible teaches about God, because of the wonder of nature and because of God’s love shown by my parents and church people. That was enough. She said very little in response, but I hope my few words were reassuring at the time and perhaps food for thought later on.

We live in a world where both children and adults value lots of tangible things. It is no wonder that children sometimes doubt a God who is silent and invisible. Grandparents can provide safe space for the doubts that children might be ashamed to express to parents and other adults.

Roots. Grandparents tell the stories that root children in family history. I am repeatedly asked for stories about when I was a little boy. Children must deal with rapid changes at home, at school and even inside their developing bodies. It is reassuring to know that they are part of a larger, continuing story.

In the future, our furniture, our photos and our tombstones will be their link to family history. For now, we have a brief time to share memories. So much of the Hebrew and Christian faith consists of words and rituals of remembering. Grandparents who make the past attractive and make remembering important, encourage a rooted faith.

What do grandchildren do for grandparents?

Wonder. Anyone who has ever taken an unhurried walk with a curious child will see the world in a new way. Trees have leaves, climbing limbs and bark with texture. A granddaddy longlegs can climb up glass, morning dew sparkles, and bossy jays chase other birds away from the feeder. Nature is wondrous to a child, and grandchildren share their gift of wonder with us. The pace of a child’s walk slows us down so that we observe things we would ordinarily miss.

Love. “Grandpa, I love you.” The affection of a grandchild is different from the routine good wishes we receive from adults. It comes with sparkling eyes and a lilt in the voice. It is often spontaneous, expressed in a time and place where we did not expect it. Some of the most formal, even formidable adults I have ever met, go into emotional meltdown when a grandchild says, “I love you.”

Reflection. Grandchildren, even at a tender age, mirror bits of ourselves. I wish it were only the most admirable aspects of our lives, but, alas, the mirror is honest. We don’t do a lot of psychological or physical changing in the later decades of our lives. Grandchildren make a hopeful new beginning. Working alongside parents, we may be able to interpret the inherited strengths and weaknesses of our grandchildren in a helpful manner.

Connections. Grandchildren strengthen our connections to the larger web of life. We meet their friends at a birthday party, and we are invited to grandparents’ day at school. We have a reason to engage in brief conversations with strangers in a grocery store when grandchildren are in tow. Some grandparents travel 1,000 miles or more for a service of infant dedication.

Most important of all, we relate in new and creative ways to our grandchildren’s parents. Today’s two-career parents, also involved in church and civic life, are very busy people. Grandparents can clean, shop and provide emotional support when a child is born. We can also provide time for a parents’ night out or even a vacation when parental batteries run low.

Folks in the adult world are especially quick to ask us retired people if we are busy. Grandchildren connect us to guilt-free leisure. Grandchildren connect us to our deeper, reflective selves.

Grandparents, parents and grandchildren have much to offer each other. Even when grandparents joke about enjoying the taillights as much as the headlights of their children’s cars, they know and feel a deeper truth. We may get tired at night when the house is filled with little people, but it is one of the most rewarding forms of fatigue we will ever know.

Victor Stoltzfus lives in Goshen, Ind., and was formerly president of Goshen College. This article was originally published in the January-February issue of Christian Living.

Previous | Next 

Last modified January 8, 2000.

© 2000 Mennonite Brethren Herald.
Published by the Canadian Conference of MB Churches.
Masthead and usage information.