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Walking

“Kenneth”

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During my quiet time with God this morning, I was reminded of the words from a song written centuries ago: “0 Love, that wilt not let me go.” These words have stayed with me all day as I have sought to better understand what they could mean. Throughout the day, I have spoken them over and over many times. They have put a smile on my face and given me a deep inner peace. They have also made me weep from the bottom of my heart.

Two pictures come to mind as I think about these eight words: “0 Love, that wilt not let me go.”

I SEE Jesus walking the sidewalk of a busy downtown street. His walk is brisk. His eyes are fixed straight ahead. It’s a Father, son day. I know that He loves me, and I like it when He calls me His child. I like the opportunity to ride on His shoulders. I catch myself laughing from a deep down joy, and I know I have nothing to fear. My peace comes from knowing I am being held securely and won’t fall off. It’s a great day to be spending together.

“Father, slow down. I can’t see what’s happening over there, in that back alley.”

There is no slowing down, and we keep moving forward. I don’t like it, but I know it’s best for me. It will keep me out of trouble and safe. Yet I feel such anxiousness. The temptation to jump off His shoulders is great. Just one good kick, and I’d break free from those hands holding me.

There it is, straight ahead in the next block. I see the Club’s neon sign flashing. I’ll jump off once we get closer. Just thinking about being in there and spending time with the guys is getting me all electrified again.

We get closer, and I can’t jump off. Yes, I remember the good times, but I also remember pain. The pain I’d wake up to the next morning was much greater than the short-lived thrill of drinking for hours and dancing my feet off to loud sensual music.

Father, thanks for picking up Your walking pace to help me get past that place.

I HEAR crying. I see His tears. His shoulders are sagging forward. That’s not the way He started out this morning. What’s happened? Why didn’t He drop me off blocks ago to take the load off His shoulders?

I think back and realize that we started this day as best friends, but hours have passed since our last talk. I cut out on Him. He was asking me to look straight ahead with Him, but I chose to start looking around, looking to both sides of the street to find things happening that were all too familiar to me, caught in the thrill of yesterday.

I, too, started to cry, because I realized how much I had hurt my Father. He was trying to help me stay on the straight and narrow, but I allowed my mind to go back down memory lane.

I know now that if I had jumped off His shoulders, I would have returned to those familiar places and cheap thrills. I’m angry with myself because I allowed my mind to wander into the valley of death. I don’t want to have to take another AIDS test.

Oh Father, I am so sorry. Please forgive me. Can we talk again? I know that no one loves me more than You do. You, my heavenly Father, are the lover of my soul and my closest friend.

Kenneth, the author, is a recovering homosexual who has given his life to a compassionate and forgiving Christ and is choosing to walk under His authority as a child of grace. He has been encouraged by the following Scripture passages: II Corinthians 6:18, Lamentations 3:22-23, I John 3:1, Psalm 145:8-9, Psalm 86:5, Romans 10:13, John 3:16, John 15:9.

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Last modified November 23, 1999.

© 1999 Mennonite Brethren Herald.
Published by the Canadian Conference of MB Churches.
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