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Around the family table

Carolee Neufeld

At breakfast, everyone breezes through the kitchen at a different time. At lunch, we are scattered. But for supper, all six of us try to be together. The evening meal is an anchor point for the family. This is protected time.

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The dinner bell is our signal. As I glance over the table to be sure the salt and pepper haven’t been forgotten, I hear footsteps on the stairs. Eager people gather to heap their plates and share their lives.

The mealtime ritual begins with Scripture reading and prayer, possibly even a song. Some days, we take time to share concerns and pray for each other; other days, we have one eye on the clock because someone has to leave soon.

As we pass the food, everyone plunges into conversation. There is never enough time to exchange information and make plans. Affirmation and encouragement are given as stories unfold. Sometimes we express disappointment and disagreement; at other times, laughter fills the room.

When six busy people live together in one house, every obstacle imaginable militates against having a daily meal together. When schedules are topsy-turvy, we choose a meal other than dinner to be our family time. I recollect an early morning birthday celebration with a warm breakfast cake, fresh from the oven. We placed one large candle in the middle of it. Finding creative alternatives has provided us with some of our best memories.

Summer meals are special. Our family is scattered during spring and summer, so those who happen to be around for meals fill plates in the kitchen and find a spot on the verandah or in the backyard, where birds and rustling leaves provide our dinner music.

September is reunion time. The fun of picnicking is replaced with a dining room atmosphere, including placemats and glass serving bowls. In December, Advent candles provide ambience, while during Lent a centrepiece of sackcloth and ashes reminds us of repentance. In spring, a bouquet of daffodils brings sunshine to our table.

What does it take to maintain a daily family meal? Determination. Creativity. Flexibility. A cheerful setting and an atmosphere of welcome. Not getting upset when it doesn’t work out. And never giving up or saying it isn’t worth the effort.

Right now I am thinking back 20 years. My husband and I are sitting at the table with two young boys who either gobble their food or refuse to eat it altogether. They spill juice and exasperate us with their spats. As parents, our inclination is to share a few tidbits of adult conversation in the lulls.

Dissatisfaction with this daily routine led us to take stock of our parental goals, not once, but many times. We wanted to have family meals with meaningful communication around the table. We wanted to share our values with our children, daring to believe that all this could happen in a gracious atmosphere. No doubt we were idealistic, but we set out to make some changes.

First of all, we had to deny ourselves parental interaction and instead initiate family conversation. When the number around the table grew, we wondered how it would be possible to connect all the different ages from two to teenager. With the advantage of hindsight, we now say, yes, it was possible.

Communicating our values was another challenge. We used story telling, impromptu discussions, worship time and planned teaching. Always we struggled for balance, for creativity and for effectiveness. The responses of our children served as a barometer of our successes and mistakes.

All the while, we were thinking about how to develop a gracious climate. As parents, we agreed that a family dinner, no matter how simple, should be served attractively. We also wanted relationships around the table to demonstrate politeness, respect and kindness, in accordance with our commitment to character building in the lives of our children.

Looking back, I see how each year has brought changes which we have had to take into account around our dinner table. But the sense of being a family keeps drawing us to the mealtime ritual.

I am more convinced than ever that regular family meals are an important key to family togetherness. Effort put into having gracious and meaningful interaction around the table pays rich dividends.

Carolee Neufeld and her husband Ken live in Winnipeg and are on staff with Freedom in Christ Ministries. This article was originally published in the Fall 1995 issue of Sophia.

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Last modified November 3, 1999.

© 1999 Mennonite Brethren Herald.
Published by the Canadian Conference of MB Churches.
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